Let me tell you a story, my friends, of boundaries, breached and defended. And what happened after.
I was at a conference, where a Nigerian grad student took a shine to me. And let me know in no subtle way.
Day 1:
Him: Hello. Where are you from? How long are you here? Are you married? Why not? Where are you staying? Are you staying there alone?
Me, up until the last question: Chat, chat, polite conversation, charmingness training warring with urge to tell him I’m not interested.
Me, at the last question: I’m not answering any more questions.
Him: But why not? I would like to take you out on a date.
Me, losing my good humor: No, I’m not interested.
Him: Why not?
Me, good humor well lost: Just, no.
Day 2:
Do you believe he had the nerve to come back? I see him approaching and fortify the boundary of my energy field, and send him the vibe to change directions if he knows what’s good for him. Of course, he has no such sense.
Him: Hello, how are you?
Me, wearing my mean-face, not looking up from my computer: Fine.
Him: It is not a crime to let someone know you like them.
Me, foolishly acknowledging the apparent truth of this: No.
Him: I would like to have a date with you. But you mentioned that you don’t have time. Can we get together in New York?
Me, aghast at this spin: No, I didn’t say I don’t have time. I said I’m not interested.
Him: Wow, you are very blunt. My problem is that I like you. It is really a problem for me.
Me, having never looked up from my computer this whole time: This is not a problem for me. It’s your problem.
Him: Blah blah, that’s true, okay, see you later.
Me: WTF!?
This situation was just all kinds of wrong. I mean, anyone with two brain cells to rub together could look at my mean-face and see that he should go far away. But not this guy. I was concerned that he would turn up again.
So, I thought about telling the conference organizers, or someone, that he was harassing me. Which I didn’t end up doing.
What I did do: resolve to repeat my NO at increasing volume if he came back for more. And to feel wholly free to punch him in the neck if that didn’t work.
Day 3:
He waves from afar and makes like he’s coming over, but swerves away when he sees that looking at him is making my eyebrows meet in the middle.
After this, I remembered Gavin de Becker.
He wrote The Gift of Fear, which I super-duper recommend highly. I want to get copies of it for everyone I know, because it’s that good and necessary.
Two key things I took away from the book:
One danger sign of bad intent is over-explaining. It’s something untrustworthy people do when they’re trying to confuse your own sense and pull something over on you. Like the guy on the street saying “I don’t want to hurt you” as he follows you home from the subway.
Big hint: he does want to hurt you, or it wouldn’t occur to him to say this.
The other thing I remember: NO is all you have to say.
You don’t have to explain it, or justify it. While it may be necessary to repeat your NO loudly to draw attention to the situation, someone who wants you to defend your NO is trying to get you to back off from it and change your answer to YES. Or even MAYBE. So he can wedge his foot in the door.
This all happened a few days ago, and I’m still pissed.
It stirred up a lot of old bullshit situations when I was nice to people who were not so nice to me, and when I agreed to their nonsense even when I didn’t want to, because my agreeability indoctrination was so deeply ingrained.
(This agreeabilty indoctrination is a whole separate rant. I got a near-lethal dose of it, as the girl-kid of conservative desi parents. But I think very few women escape unscathed. There’s a lot to talk about on where it comes from, and why. But today I want to focus on what I’m doing to give it the finger.)
So now, inspired by Annoying Clueless Man, I’m making a practice of Enlightened Selfishness.
I know – what a radical and novel concept, right? Saying NO to what you don’t want, early and often? I too may have come across this idea once or twice.
But I’ve never seriously taken it on as an experiment, because it threatened to make other people (and therefore me) uncomfortable. Well. I am braced for some healthy discomfort.
Hear my mighty NO, ye pushy bastards of the world, and despair!
No, I will not be meeting your cousin’s former neighbor’s cat for coffee this weekend to tell her where in NYC she should live. No, she can’t call me on the phone to chat about it instead.
No, I will not be calling you back to share my inside opinion about your current and my former employer.
No, I will not be squeezing in a brunch date this weekend.
What else will I say no to? I’m not sure, but I’m just slavering for opportunities.
It is maybe best to not press for a reason. But if you truly need a reason to feel complete, here it is: I don’t emmer-effin feel like it. And I’m only doing things I really feel like doing.
The guiding principle: when you want to do something, do. And when you don’t, don’t.
Join me, if you will. And you know I want to hear all about it.
Comment Fu
This space is like a Quaker meeting that is happening in my living room (albeit one where emotions can run high). Honored guests, please speak as you are moved to. And let’s be awesome to each other.
LaShae
Twitter: itybites
Yes – blankity blank blank “agreeability indoctrination” of women blankeety blank.
Desi obviously also translates to Southern Belle.
It has taken me years of practice to learn to use my NO and choose not to defend it because I choose not to. Of course it’s always a test.
I’m have no idea what I’ll say No to today, yet it’s a safe bet I will and thus have more time for the Yes.
Liz
Twitter: lizemmettmattox
The nerve of some people!
The funny thing is that for me, it’s easier to say ‘no’ to the rude and annoying than to the nice and sincere… those are the situations in which I don’t say ‘no’ early or often enough!
Still working on my ‘no’ muscles! It’s a constant practice…
Kelly Parkinson
Okay, this was the story of my life every day in the Peace Corps. I was living in this large mining town, which meant no one ever got used to me, because there were always people who had never met me. I would just turn it into a joke. “Yep, I’ll marry you, but my father is going to need 1,000 goats, two dozen chickens, and 500 acres of land. And you’re going to have to marry my grandmother, too.” And then they would just laugh because they knew I was messing with them.
Kelly Parkinson’s last blog An introvert’s guide to spontaneous departures
Patty K
Twitter: PattyK_
Wow. I really admire your directness: No, I didn’t say I don’t have time. I said I’m not interested. (And I can’t believe that this line didn’t just end the whole thing. How much clearer could you be?)
I’ve never ever been that direct. (Evidently the “agreeability indoctrination” extends to Canadian prairie girls too) And now I want to try it.
Also – I’m with Liz – I find it *much* harder to say NO to nice people.
Patty K’s last blog A glimpse into life without social anxiety
Briana
I love the idea of taking it on as an experiment. (And I loved the Gift of Fear – agree, should be required reading for every human being.)
The hard thing for me is this part: “…it threatened to make other people (and therefore me) uncomfortable.” Pondering how to brace myself for some healthy discomfort of my own that’s sure to come. Maybe the “experimental” mindset will help…
Briana’s last blog Shannon Wilkinson in the Green Room with an ice axe
Bridget
Twitter: intuitivebridge
Why do we learn, all too well, the skill of accommodation?
I especially like your point about over-explaining. Because that’s really an obvious sign that most of us miss.
Another thing that often seems to happen is that they try to act like you’re the one with the problem.
Access to me is a gift. And not everybody earns it. Interacting with anybody is a gift, not a right, and if you can’t respect my boundaries, you don’t get to be anywhere near them.
Bridget’s last blog Moneylicious Pt 2- The Pole Dance
Marian
My uncle was driving me to the airport this week and he said “do you mind if I ask you a few questions?” It seems on the surface like such an innocent question, but to me it felt similar to that over-explaining thing you just described. The fact that he had to ask said to me that he knew in his heart and his conscience that he was being nosey, especially since I had already put up with a weekend of nosey questions from his whole family. So I just said yes, I do mind. He seemed surprised that I would actually put my foot down! It’s so funny, in situations like that when people are pushing your boundaries, that they make you out to be the bad guy when you tell them no. I decided that I am not going to entertain people’s idle curiosity, just because they are my family. I don’t care what they think or imagine in the absence of information. I can’t control that. I don’t have to justify it or explain myself, or point out that I don’t spend a moment of my time wondering about their personal information, let alone feel motivated to ask for it. Bleh! I don’t know why they think I am so interesting, but I wish they didn’t!
Victoria Brouhard
Twitter: victoriashmoria
I suffer from agreeability indoctrination, too! Not really sure where it came from, but I guess that doesn’t matter.
Somehow reading your post made me very aware of all the *avoiding* I’ve done. You know the kind. Where I’d rather just keep to myself than risk needing to say no and possibly hurt someone’s feeeeelings.
Blargh! What a sad way to go through life. I think I need to join you in this new practice.
Victoria Brouhard’s last blog Find the No-Brainer Scenario- Where Should We Live
Kylie
Twitter: kyliewriteshere
I took a great class on boundaries a couple years ago, and we talked all about “no” and saying it without explanation there. I took tons of gender studies classes in college, but I think I learned more about feminism in that two-hour boundaries class than in any college course. We practiced saying no, then saying it louder, then yelling it. It sounds cheesy, but it was really, truly powerful.
Kylie’s last blog belonging
Amna Ahmad
Twitter: AmnaAhmad
@LaShae – It’s madness, how almost every damn culture sets it up this way. It’s the patriarchy! A very pervasive/successful system.
@Liz – I’m with you. Polite requests are harder to NO. Or when I do, it’s couched in very conciliatory tentative language.
@Kelly – that is such a graceful way to deal with this nonsense. The next time a West African is pushy about marrying me, I’ll know what to say!
@Patty K – Haha. Pretty stunningly direct, yes? It’s not normal for me. But after he didn’t get my first NO, I lost my temper and my manners slipped. I only wish they had slipped a little sooner in this case.
@Briana – I hear you. Now that my rage is calming a bit, it feels way less urgent to say NO to stuff. I’m noticing how I want to concede to things and just go along with them. But I want to hold it in mind for this coming week, at least. And maybe tell y’all about it if anything interesting happens.
@Bridget – YES! The thing where they get their feelings all hurt and try to act like you’ve done them wrong, so you’ll feel guilty and change your stance. Well, let us say EFF THAT. Access is not a given!
@Marian – Oof. How well do I know this “interestingness?” Too well, sadly. And families (the annoying things) can feel free to ask the nosy questions that others wouldn’t dare. Good for you for putting your foot down, and keeping it down.
@Victoria – It does feel sad, doesn’t it? That’s how I feel when I think of some of the aforementioned bullshit situations that I accommodated. Sad, and angry – at them for pushing me, and at myself for letting them. I suspect it might be worth it to screw up my courage and practice saying no. Though how this plays out in particular situations is to be determined. There may be more bullshit (though of a different type).
@Kylie – Love it. That does sound very powerful, and I would like to take such a class right now.
Leocadia
@Kylie (and everyone). I took a similar class a couple of years ago and it was so eye-opening. The guy who ran it said that we need to practice things like saying no in a safe environment (or things like yelling for help at the top of our voices) so that our body memory can record it and than “replay” it in a real-life situation. I had a situation shortly afterwards when I felt harrassed by a guy in a supermarket and was totally amazed at the effect of my loud and clear no that wasn’t aggressive or anything it was just, well, perfectly clear, and he just pissed off instantly. This of course was an extreme case because “nos” are needed in situations that are not necessarily harassing but just require self-protection or the keeping up of one’s boundaries for whatever reason. But I learnt that it needs clarity for a no. Clarity in the voice, in the eyes, in the body, in the energy.
Pat
Twitter: PKeahi
hmmm… agreeability indoctrination: another word for “good little catholic girl”. I like the idea of this experiment. If my first “no” doesn’t work, maybe a loud “Hear my mighty NO, ye pushy bastard” might. Great post and great comments – thank you from a recovering catholic girl.
LaShae
Twitter: itybites
@Ahmna – I said no to doing some work that I was trying to force into my relaxation time because I should at least try to get something done on it.
While I did some explaining to myself, it was really to those parts of me that want or need to always be doing stuff.
We are all better off for it today.
@Kelly – man I wish I’d had that line when I was in Aswan because I got proposals every single time I walked into the lobby or through the town. 1,000 goats would have stopped the entire thing cold.
@Kylie – a boundaries class. Just imagining that class is creating little sparks of light.
Julie
Twitter: escapeivrytower
Oh, I so need one of those classes. I can be so clear in the spaces of my own mind, but add someone else’s energy and I get so muddled so quickly. It’s really freaking annoying.
Julie’s last blog What we talk about when we talk about callings
Maribeth
As a child of heavy drinkers, I was too eager to please just to get some attention or always acquiescent just to keep the peace. I’ve never quite grown out of that even though I’m 51. This post really spoke to me because frankly, I’m tired of being the peacemaker. My feelings are just as important as anyone else’s and I have a right to say no. Yes . . . yes, I do. Will try to say this to myself often :)
Maribeth’s last blog Disastrous Bra Shopping or Not
Cranky Fibro Girl
Twitter: CrankyFibroGirl
Preach it, sister!
Elana
Excellent post. Gift of Fear is a must-read. Over-explaining! Yes! Oh boy, that is such a good point….A potent reminder to say NO to what you do not want (and just that) and YES to the things you do.
Permission to say NO. Thanks Amna : )
Patty Newbold
While reading your wonderful post, Amna, Norton popped up to advise me of yet another attachment automatically kicked out of my email inbox, a great metaphor for your saying no to life spam.
Patty Newbold’s last blog Why Do Women Say Cruel Things to their Husbands
Vesper de Vil
I’m from the Bible Belt…North Dakota, and I definitely know the willingness-to-please-and-be-agreeable-at-all-times thing was deeply built in. A part of my core. Now I say “no” and “fuck off” whenever I see fit. Works wonders, but oh my god it took long to finally have enough courage to change those old ways…to believe I was worthy enough to say what I want and do not want.
Vesper de Vil’s last blog Vacation Memories